People Don’t Change: The Spouse You Married is the Spouse You Divorce
Once there was a rabbit and a snake. The snake was looking for a warm place to hide when he found the rabbit’s hole. He called down to the rabbit, “Please rabbit, share your rabbit hole with me. I am cold and tired, and I will freeze to death out here.”
The rabbit said, “No way Snake. If I let you down here, you will bite me, and I will die.”
“No,” said the snake, “this time I will not bite you. Just please let me come down, and you will be safe.”
“Okay,” said the rabbit, “But just this one time.” The rabbit scooted over and made room for the snake in his burrow.
The snake slithered down to share the hole with the rabbit. Eventually, the rabbit fell asleep, and the snake attacked and bit him.
As the rabbit lay dying, he looked at the snake, “But you said you wouldn’t bite me if I let you come down here.”
The snake replied, “I am a snake.”
I tell this stupid story to my clients fairly often. My point is, that just like in the story, people don’t change who they are. Not often, anyway. An ex-spouse looks and acts just like he/she did during the marriage. If your husband lied to you while married, he will continue to lie to you after the divorce. If your wife manipulated the children, she will continue to do so after the divorce. The divorce and litigation process very rarely improves a person, makes him/her kinder, more supportive, etc.
The worst news I have to deliver is that the courts are completely impotent when it comes to changing snakes into rabbits. They cannot do it. An experienced family law attorney may be able to help the aggrieved party make small changes to improve a bad situation (change the location for visitation exchange, limit contact with the children, punish inappropriate facebook posts), and a judge can hold a party in contempt, make her pay attorneys fees, change visitation or child support. BUT, no one can make someone behave differently.
A snake will always be a snake. My best hope always, is that the rabbit can get smarter.